I Lost Me Yesterday

I lost me yesterday

Couldn’t find the damn thing everybody calls self for the life of…

Well, hell, me, if I could find me

 

I thought I saw me a couple of years ago when I was friends with the people who were more like enemies than friends

I had foolishly surrounded myself with people who couldn’t better me

Hell, they couldn’t better themselves

Yeah, I saw me then

Me then spent time trying to fit a mold

Me then was a young girl claiming to be a woman who knew something she didn’t

Yeah, I saw me then

 

Then I thought I saw me last year when I went on my Christian crusade determined to prove that I knew God personally

Yeah, I saw me then

Trying to prove something to people who probably didn’t know God even a tenth of what I do

Trying to show somebody that I’m not what they think I am

Yeah, I saw me then

 

And I could have sworn I saw me a couple of months ago when I decided to completely revamp myself

I lowered my shield of self-preservation and wore a pretty painted façade of kindness

Yeah, I saw me then

So convinced that when people said I was cold-hearted I needed to change, warm up and be the person they wanted me to be

I hated myself then

Struggling daily about whether or not, I was “too Tiffani”

Showing too much attitude

Being “too smart for my own good”

Yeah, I saw me then

 

Last time I remember seeing that thing called self was yesterday

 I decided to bow gracefully and become the wife you thought you could make me into

Yeah, I saw me then

Wearing shoes that were cute as hell and probably fit somebody else perfect

But

They weren’t for me

I couldn’t walk the walk or talk the talk of the gentle, kind-hearted, even-tempered person you wanted me to be

No matter how hard I tried for you

I couldn’t fit those damn shoes

Yeah, I saw me then

 

I lost me yesterday

Couldn’t find the damn thing everybody calls self for the life of…

Well, hell, me, if I could find me

 

But yesterday had to do as yesterdays do and sleep while today began as todays do

Yesterday had lulled me into a deep sleep of warm yester years of a yester-me

Wait…that must have been a hell of dream because

How could I forget…

Those warm yester years weren’t so peaceful,

And that shit just wasn’t cool

 

But today is well, today

And as I rise I look at the outer shell of myself and as cute as it is

It doesn’t satisfy me nearly as much as I thought

And today I have realized

That yesterdays can’t be redone, reworked or whatever other re- you can think of

So today is all I have

And tomorrow

But that shit’s too complicated so I’ll stick with today

And today I have found myself

I am at times shallow, selfish, rude, and mean

But there are more times that I’m witty, intelligent, determined, and beautiful

My self-actualization didn’t take some deep mediation that involved monks and soothing music

Yep, I figured it out in almost a minute

I’m me and no matter how much I change

I am constantly growing, evolving into the woman of God I was created to be

My evolution speaks volumes about my character